Are You Responsible for Your Friends Behavior?

About 4 years ago a friend of mine, I’ll call him Henry, e-mailed a bunch of his contacts. He said he had just finished reading a book called Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time  by Keith Ferrazzi and he suggested that anyone that took him out to lunch could have a copy of the book for free. I thought it was a pretty incredible and unusual offer and I came home from that lunch with a great book.

The gist of the book was about sharing your network freely and openly and after reading it, it sent my own connection gears into overdrive. Most of my friends have, at one time or another, gotten an e-mail from me where the subject bar reads SUBJECT: FRIENDLY INTRODUCTION. In the e-mail, I introduce two people to one another and explain why I think they should know one another. I’ve done this thousands of times through the years.

Right after I read that book, I connected Henry with an artist friend of mine. The artist stood Henry up twice and Henry was pretty pissed at me. I didn’t see the connection. Once I made the introduction, wasn’t the connection out of my hands at that point? It wasn’t like I was introducing a guy to a potential girlfriend where my vouching for the person might endanger her safety. (If you're interested in this topic in particular check out Andrea V Lewis' blog) This was simply business right? Wrong. According to Henry, the actions of the flakey artist directly reflected on me.

After that experience, I became a bit more cautious in how I handled my network switchboard. Though my new approach went against Keith Ferrazzi’s philosophy, my new path was eye opening. By pre-qualifying connections I was actually ensuring the strength of a connection.

What I found was this. Most artist’s are flakes when it comes to time, organization and business skills. (Sorry artists, it’s true) If I connect an artist who doesn’t show up on time with an important business connection, then I’ve wasted my time and my business connection’s time.

But there's more to the story than meets the eye.

Flash forward 4 years.

Henry asked me to team teach a workshop for his organization on a topic that I am extremely passionate about. He had another friend whom he thought would be a great co-teacher. Guess what happened? This great co-teacher scheduled a time to meet with us to discuss the proposed curriculum and he left us waiting in a café. He no-showed - twice. The co-teacher had great excuses, but Henry was understandably upset and apologized though I saw no need to. I simply do not think that a business connection reflects back on the connector.

This is what I have found in terms of those who "no-show" to meetings.

If our mission is not aligned with a proposed topic, then something interesting happens. We will unconsciously create a series of distractions that will prevent us from making the meeting.

For instance, if you asked me to give a talk about men’s gymnastics (I competed in the sport from middle school through college) I would probably say “Yes” and then when the time came to speak, I would either forget to show up, get delayed at the bank which would make me late, or something else would come up, etc. I simply am not passionate about the topic, even though you might think I’m qualified to speak on it. My mission does not include gymnastics anymore. If you asked me to speak on the topic when I was in college, when it was part of my mission, I would have probably driven across the state to speak for free.

The same goes for Henry. He was in a fraternity in college, but I doubt he would want to give a talk on the topic since the core of his mission now is on social issues. If he didn’t say no right away, he would create circumstances that would prevent him from following through.

And so although Henry thought this co-teacher would make a great addition to a this seminar, this co-teacher should have said no. When things like this happen now, I simply see through it for what it is. It’s not a priority for the co-teacher because it’s not a part of his current mission. It's not good or bad, just a reflection at something deeper.

I think when we see through the noise to what is really going on, it helps us see our own role in how things play out in our lives.

What are your thoughts on this? Agree? Disagree? I’d love to hear what you think.

For more info about "The Neon Man and Me" and other storytelling projects by me - Slash Coleman - please visit www.slashcoleman.com